On Saturday, December 9, I finally sat my white ass down to watch the 2 hour and 48 minute-extravaganza that is Renaissance: A Film By Beyoncé. The film version of the tour was just as good, if not better, than I remember the live show being — I was seated in the nosebleeds when I went, so to be able to relive the experience up close, sometimes inches away from Beyoncé’s face, was truly thrilling. I nearly cried 26 times. I know because I counted (lmao).
Some of those near-cries were reactions to what I was seeing on screen (Ms. Tina talking about Uncle Johnny, Beyoncé talking about Ms. Tina, watching Megan Thee Stallion perform alongside her hometown hero), but most of what I was feeling was caused by external factors.
The night before I saw this film, I watched the new Thriller 40 documentary about the making and legacy of Michael Jackson’s Thriller. (Please don’t come for me — we all have our vices.) I’ve always known that Jackson was the driving force behind MTV’s decision to play Black artists on its network, but I never knew the lengths that he and his record label went to to make it happen. It seems like an inconsequential achievement now, especially because MTV is not the cultural tastemaker it once was, but there’s no way I would’ve been able to experience a tour headlined by a Black woman in an AMC theater if another artist hadn’t fought for the chance to be on TV 40 years ago. She even talks about this in the movie, admitting that she’s only where she is today because of the sacrifices made by artists like Tina Turner and Diana Ross.
Then, of course, there’s the reckoning with time. Instead of treating her painful awareness of each passing moment as a fear that needs to be conquered, Beyoncé chooses to embrace time and its restrictions as a part of this tour. She’s in her 40s now, and recognizes she can’t dance with the same tenacity that she once could. That’s okay; her voice will be the star of the show. Being a mother to three young children means she can’t spend 15 hours a day in rehearsals anymore, because dropping the kids off at school comes first. Etsy shops in the early 2010s would use the saying, “You have as many hours in the day as Beyoncé,” to motivate their customers to be their own girl boss (and maybe buy an ugly mug or useless keychain in the process). But in 2023, I choose to interpret this as a comforting reminder that we all feel the limitations of time in some way. Regardless of who you are, the clocks will always reset at midnight.
I’m famously obsessed with anniversaries, so it was not lost on me as I watched this film that almost 10 years ago to the day, Beyoncé dropped her self-titled visual album on iTunes with no promotion whatsoever. At the time of its release, my musical diet mostly consisted of Michael Jackson with a splash of Justin Timberlake and a hint of Maroon 5 (not my proudest moment but it is what it is). I was 16 at the time, and though I didn’t realize it then, I was desperate to find a female artist that I could look up to. Beyoncé was that artist.
Before this album, I had never heard a pop star of her caliber speak so candidly about struggles with self-confidence (“Ain't got no doctor or pill that can take the pain away / The pain's inside, and nobody frees you from your body”), postpartum depression (“Been having conversations about breakups and separations / I’m not feeling like myself since the baby / Are we even gonna make it?”), and of course, female pleasure (see: “Blow,” “Partition,” and “Rocket”). To be given an honest peak into her world was powerful enough on its own, but to hear a woman who appeared to have it all lament about such poignant and relatable themes at the ripe age of 16 was incredibly formative for me. I pressed play on track 1 having no female influences, and by the end of track 14 I had a new idol to obsess over.
There are many aspects about self-titled that make it such a memorable part of Beyoncé’s discography, from the popularization of the “digital drop” to the fact that Friday album releases are now the industry standard. History isn’t made in a day, but after spending years praying at the alter of Michael Jackson, I knew I was witnessing greatness in real time. It was absolutely thrilling, but also a tad bittersweet because I didn’t think I’d ever experience anything like it again in my lifetime. I couldn’t have predicted just how badly I’d be proven wrong when Lemonade dropped, then again when Homecoming came out, and then again during the entirety of the Renaissance era. Few people have been able to surpass their own creative output as many times as she has, and I’m sure it wasn’t easy trying to live up to the literal overnight success of Beyoncé. But every time I though she had reached her peak, she found a way to outdo herself yet again.
Needless to say, the Renaissance movie was a very emotional experience for me. 10 years later, I’m still here, and Beyoncé is still putting out work that will surely impact on me for years to come. Can’t wait to see what’s in store for the next 10.
While reminiscing about 2013, I realized Beyoncé wasn’t the only formative album of my teenage-hood that turned 10 this year. In the spirit of celebrating time, it only feels right to give them a proper shout out. Without further adieu:
Do you know what today is? It’s Your Anniversary! 2013 Edition
Albums: The 20/20 Experience Parts 1 & 2 by Justin Timberlake
Release dates: March 15, 2013 and September 27, 2013
Some days I feel like these albums don’t hold up, other days I’m overwhelmed by the vocal highs and sonic depths these projects take me on. When the moment is right, it feels like I’m listening to these albums again for the first time, but I’m also reminded of all the times these records soundtracked my early morning commutes and nightly rides home from dance class. Maybe that’s the nostalgia talking, or maybe it’s a testament to how singular Timbaland’s work on these records are. 20/20 Experience isn’t the definitive Justin Timberlake record, but it’s not the disappointment that Man Of The Woods was, either.
Song I would recommend: “Mirrors” will always be one of our finest modern American standards, but “Blue Ocean Floor” probably remains the most beautiful song Timberlake has ever released.
Album: Wolf by Tyler, The Creator
Release date: April 2, 2013
Wolf altered my brain chemistry in a way that I won’t be able to understand until I become the subject of a scientific study 30 years from now. The doctor in charge of the study will write a very successful paper on their findings, which will earn them a Nobel prize nomination, but they will ultimately lose to the doctor who adds “being a Swiftie” to the DSM-5.
Song I would recommend: “Slater,” “48,” “Answer,” and if you really want to be transported back to 2013, “Colossus.”
Album: Yeezus by Kanye West
Release date: June 18, 2013
I will not be commenting further; just needed to acknowledge.
Song I would recommend: “I’m In It,” because I’m depraved.
Album: AM by Arctic Monkeys
Release date: September 9, 2013
Tumblr girlies, unite!
Song I would recommend: Queue up “Arabella” for a car full of people and I promise you they’ll go absolutely bonkers.
Album: Days Are Gone by Haim
Release date: September 27, 2013
One of the first things I did when I got my license was drive to the FYE at the Trumbull mall and pick up the Days Are Gone CD so I’d always have a copy of this record in my. This album is the sonic encapsulation of girlhood packaged in indie sleaze poptimism (thank you, Ariel Rechtshaid!), which is why it feels like such an act of faith that I got to be the perfect age when Haim first hit the scene.
Song I would recommend: “Honey & I” sounds like if spring were a song; “If I Could Change Your Mind” is a desperate plea for forgiveness with a hell of a groove.
Acid Rap by Chance The Rapper and Because The Internet by Childish Gambino also turned 10 this year, but I probably haven’t listened to either one since 2017 so I don’t care enough to give them any attention. Now do you see how badly I needed a female influence in my life?