Good morning!! Today is June 23rd, 2021, which makes yesterday, June 22nd, the day in which I turned 24. If you didn’t know that, don’t feel bad! I don’t like my birthday! For years I have blamed June 21st as the reason for all my birthday resentment (I don’t want to get into it but everything happens on the 21st), but it’s really just a veiled way for me to make a problem out of nothing.
I think one of the most embarrassing things you can do as a white woman is gather a group of people and have a celebration in your honor. Everything is already about us—we simply do not need, nor deserve, any more attention whatsoever (okay the self-hatred is leaping out like a Russian ballerina…go off………).
I began having complicated feelings about my birthday once I reached that age where you no longer had to invite everyone in your class to your party. No kid should have to quantify how many friends they have. And I didn’t like the thought of mixing friend groups and being the only shared quadrant of the Things They Have in Common Venn Diagram, either. It also didn’t help that I had an early summer birthday. I was always competing against the kids who would throw their End of School pool parties on or around my birthday. Everyone knows pool trumps trampoline every single time. I never stood a chance.
I went into this birthday with the intention of making it a good one, but then it started raining and I couldn’t bring myself to leave the house. The highlights of the day were: I ordered dessert for myself from a bakery in Manhattan, they found out I lived in Brooklyn and wouldn’t deliver, my friend Kate came over for a while, and Caroline came home after work and had absolutely no idea it was my birthday. Again, don’t feel bad for me, because it truly wouldn’t be my birthday if someone very close to me didn’t forget (you all know who you are…).
Kate and I listened to my favorite Beyoncé album three times last night. Yes, I adore Lemonade, and yes, I recognize the cultural and sonic achievements of self-titled, but my favorite Beyoncé album, bar none, is her sophomore project from 2006, B’Day. Scientists have found that B’Day sounds best in June, and cite this video as the indisputable evidence. If your birthday isn’t in June, that’s you’re own fault. (Please note: I can’t prove this video was taken in June, but Solange and I are both June cancers so it qualifies.)
It’s a perfect album in every since of the word. Vocally, sonically, production-wise, VISUALLY! People love to forget that B’Day was technically Beyoncé’s first visual album, providing a music video component to every song except my personal favorite, “Resentment.” And the LOOKS from this album cycle, my god. I mean………just see for yourself.
From “Ring the Alarm”
From “Upgrade U”
From “Check On It”
I think B’Day is Beyoncé’s most overlooked album, but I can never wrap my head around why. It has everything that audiences demand from entertainers in one—the hits, the power ballads, the music videos, and the choreography. There is not a single skip on the track list. The songs go down like candy! She put her two whole lungs into that project, and I honestly believe it to be one of the most important vocal texts to come from the 2000s. For a long time, this album was the only thing I would listen to on my way to and from my voice lessons. There is no better way to warm up for an hour’s worth of Sondheim and Italian arias than screaming the bridge to “Deja Vu” in your Honda Pilot. And while we’re on the topic, I’m still waiting for a public apology from that crypt keeper Shawn Carter for his abysmal performance of his verse during Beychella, AND for stealing $10 from me.
I had been planning on spending the day listening to B’Day for at least a month, not because it instantly puts me in a good mood, but because this year is my B’Day year. Beyoncé was twenty-fucking-four years old when she recorded this album. 24!!! To compare, I am on the brink of vocal retirement forever, because I can’t even hold a conversation for longer than an hour without feeling like I’m choking on my own vocal chords. Let’s hope that by 25 I’ll be rehabbed enough to embark on a 96 show-world tour, just like her.
If you feel inspired to listen to B’Day after this, and you care about me at all, you won’t listen to the Deluxe Edition. I don’t know what drunkard was in charge of handling the Deluxe, but the sequencing is all off. In many ways, starting off an album with the words, “Beyoncé, Beyoncé. Shakira, Shakira” can be extremely powerful. But to make “Irreplaceable” the second track on a 16 track album, when there’s still so much story to be told, is a crime against humanity in 56 different countries. You NEED the run from “Suga Mama” to “Kitty Kat.” First she’s bribing him with anything he wants, then she’s giving him a makeover so he can be on her level. Then—uh oh! Looks like that makeover made someone a little too cocky! And then, well…say goodbye to her sweet little nookie, baby.
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If you’ve ever wondered what it feels to turn 24, here is little peak behind the curtain brought to you by my notes app:
4:13 AM—No, I didn’t expect to wake up from a dream at 4:13 AM on my birthday about someone in my life being into “personalized truck fetish shit,” but who among us ever does
9:36 AM—If Andrew Yang overshadows me on my birthday you can find me in the Bronx on the Joker stairs
10:47 AM—Setting an OOO for my personal email on my birthday so zip recruiter and my daily Frank Ocean google alert can’t reach me
12:04 PM—Do you think the people across the street from me can tell it’s my birthday by the way I’m undressing. It’s exactly the same way I do it every night with a little extra cockiness
5:27 PM—Still waiting on a happy birthday from H.E.R......she needs to start respecting her elders...................
11:14 PM—Just like the famous saying goes, it doesn’t hit you that you’re 24 until you’re watching Love Island and you find yourself almost saying, “he’s our age???” about a jacked 23 year old
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I think I had more to say, but I’ve just decided that the next time I write about B’Day there will be a hefty check involved. No more free promo for the girlies, unless you’re Michelle Branch. Anyway, happy birthday to me and Joni Mitchell’s Blue <3 ttylxoxo