Hello and welcome back to my funhouse in written form. Unlike any other funhouse, what you see is very much what you get. And you leave with a mental illness! Let’s begin, shall we?
Greta officially moved out on Monday. This is a conversation we had on Sunday:
Picture this: Greta doesn’t see me around the apartment for a few days. This sounds an alarm in her head—she knows it’s very unlike me to be gone so long. She sends a couple texts my way to no avail. Maybe she asks Caroline if she’s heard from me, she has not. Greta is suddenly forced to confront her current reality, one that she had been continually denying until this very moment—I have gone missing.
She hurries to the nearest precinct to report my disappearance. They ask her a baseline, Level One question that is imperative to their search. A question that anyone else could’ve foreseen. A question so easy she wouldn’t have even gotten credit for it on a test: “what is her name?” Through her trembling voice, Greta says, “her name is Jill…Jill……hold on.” She gives them the “one second” signal and PULLS UP MY VENMO to refresh her memory. She stammers for a moment, as she tries to navigate my surname on her tongue for the first time ever. She is shaken to her core, not by my disappearance, but by her embarrassing performance. She gives up and turns her phone towards them. “This is her name,” she says sheepishly.
Imagine. Imagine. This almost could’ve maybe potentially possibly happened. What a world.
Speaking of Greta, before she left she gave her TikTok followers a long-awaited tour of the apartment. If you’d like to see my loft in all her glory here’s your chance.
Please don’t look too closely at the plants—I’m usually very good about taking care of them when I’m not gone for three whole weeks. There are a lot of reasons why I’ve been away for so long that I won’t get into; a lot of it is not my secret to tell. Obviously that hasn’t stopped me from telling my friends, but it will stop me from telling the Internet and creating a paper trail that can very easily be traced back to me.
Anywayyyy, the only reason I’m mentioning any of this is because while I’ve been home I’ve bought a bunch of things for my apartment and I want to show them off. Whenever I’m in Connecticut I make it a point to go to Goodwill at least once before I leave. I am addicted to stuff and I wholeheartedly believe the best stuff can only be found at Goodwill. It’s cheap, it’s chic, it’s fun, it’s (almost) free. If you’ve got a Goodwill Superiority Complex, that is something you need to sort out with your God, honey.
Here are All The Things I’ve Bought In The Past Three Weeks:
First up are these two tiny pictures I bought for a dollar each. I like hanging small pieces in small places, like a bathroom or entrance way. You think they’re dumb now, but just you wait…they are an untapped mine of endless potential………
Next is this marble (!) ashtray (?) I bought for three whole American dollars. I don’t think I want it to be used as an ashtray because it’s so darn pretty, but you can’t that deny she would look absolutely stunning on a nicely curated coffee table.
I also bought this strangely shaped bowl from the expensive Goodwill in the next town over. I think it was four dollars, but I swear it was marked as seven. I like ceramics, I like the colors, and I like the shape. Sorry bout it!!
I bought this miniature vase from the same Goodwill for basically nothing. I think it was marked as three dollars but I didn’t spend more then $6 so idk what to tell you!!
This $2 mosaic frame is the last of my Goodwill finds. There is one piece of wisdom I want to impart on all of you before my time on Earth is up, and that is: buy your frames from Goodwill!!! Frames are so stupidly expensive, even the ugly plain ones. I dare you to buy a good looking frame for cheap and watch how drastically your life improves. I dare you!!!!
Okay sorrrryyy for the tiny, bad quality picture. I bought this 12x16 print from an antique store in New Jersey (it’s a long story, but the Sparknotes of it all is: my grandma had surgery recently and the recovery has been pretty difficult for her, so my mom and I visited her for a few days to help out). It cost $20, but it came with a frame, which is always a plus for me. I wasn’t able to get a good picture with the reflection from the glass, so I had to resort to Googling and choosing the best image. I guess this print isn’t that famous because this is all I got—a picture taken by a seller on Ebay.
The last things I bought are these grey ceramic bowls from Target. Not all that exciting, we just really needed new bowls. But they were five bucks each so do with that what you will.
I also bought a CamelBak water bottle but I decided not to show you because it’s not 2014.
Okay I have to go because I actually have something to do for once in my godforsaken life and I can’t put it off any longer. I bet you liked getting a very small glimpse into my house, you sick perverts. If anything looked dusty you can take that up with my mother, but do you really want to do that? At a time like this??? Think about it.