Last month, after only working for my company for a week and a half, we found ourselves pulled it a bit of a scandal that shouldn’t have been a scandal but an influencer made it a scandal. I can’t go into it, not for legal reasons, but because I just spent an hour and a half transcribing Caroline and I’s twenty minute interview and I simply can't be touching this computer any longer. The situation was resolved in a few days, but I did spend three days cowering in fear of my phone because I was getting so many hateful, nasty DMs. One woman told me she’s worked in social media for several years and felt compelled to tell me just how bad of a job I was doing.
Yes, that hurt my feelings, but it also got me thinking: what if we all were all just as honest as Instagram user (redacted)? I would first like to say that I never want that to happen, because, as I said, she was mean. But, as I stewed on concepts of straightforwardness and transparency, I eventually knew what I had to do and why this inconvenience we can politely call a “challenging second week at work” was presented to me: I needed to open the honesty floodgates for one night only to let my roommate Caroline ask me anything.
This is a big deal because anyone who knows me knows I don’t share things very often. Did Caroline take advantage of this opportunity, or did they squander possibly the only chance they’ll ever have to truly get to know me? Keep reading on to find out.
Before we begin, I have to address a few things:
As of yesterday, Hana no longer lives in New York. I don’t want you to think I was only allowing one roommate the opportunity of a lifetime and not the other.
We now currently live in a railroad apartment, which I will not explain but you can read about the layout here. Basically I have direct access to the rest of the apartment, and Caroline does not.
Some people don’t like to read the “umms” and “uhhs.” I don’t care about those people. I like to include them to make it feel real and raw, motherfuckers.
I kept almost everything in, except for the little asides that added nothing to the conversation. Caroline also asked me to cut some stuff because, in their words, they don’t want to be known for having takes. Okay, enjoy!
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*started recording mid small talk*
CF: That’s funny ‘cus my first question was “how are you feeling?” But I guess, “numb.”
JG: For recording purposes, my answer to the question “how are you feeling?” is “numb.”
CF: Cool. So I wanna start it off sweet and ask you, you know, we just moved in--what are some of your favorite features about the place? Like what are you liking best right now?
JG: I mean, love the trees, love the neighb’…
CF: The neighb’.
JG: Umm…
CF: Man…
JG: I mean the kitchen--the kitchen size is great, but I just wish that--I will feel more appreciative of the kitchen once we have the counter space and everything that we need.
CF: Yeah.
JG: But it’s hard to say because we don’t really get to use it to its full advantage. I don’t get to spend any time in the living room because the Internet doesn’t reach, at least for me, so I just spend all day in my bedroom.
CF: Maybe you can ask in the newsletter, anyone who's had to get an extender or something. Utilize this platform that you have built!
JG: *Grabs phone* Does anyone know anything about WiFi extenders? Please hit me up. Spectrum can suck a dick.
CF: This is like a parody of us having a railroad that, because it’s at one end of the railroad, you have no functionality in the kitchen.
JG: I know.
CF: I'm gonna jump to the next question. I do want you to answer this. Name three of your friends that you’d rather be roommates with than me.
JG: (Laughs)
CF: And you don’t have to explain, if you just want to name names.
JG: Umm...rather? I don’t know if I’d “rather”…(Pause)
CF: I have butterflies.
JG: I mean, I wouldn’t say “rather,” I would just say that...when I was living with some of my other friends, we were home all the time. Whereas you are…not home all the time. And that gets isolating.
CF: I work extremely hard. Long hours. Multiple locations. (Pause) You don’t wanna name drop?
JG: No.
CF: Okay. That’s very, like, celebrity-who’s-dating-another-celebrity. Um, okay. This one I want you to expand upon, it’s not just a yes or no. Do you feel that, in any way, you are going to grow to resent me, because you gave me what can only be considered the master bedroom?
JG: No, and in fact, I was like, “damn, did Caroline get beefed with layout again?” Even though I tried to do the right thing and give you the bigger room.
CF: How so? ‘Cus of the railroad?
JG: Yeah.
CF: No, I don’t think so. I think also, this is gonna sound cocky, I don’t mean it cocky, but I think I’m more of a sound sleeper than you. I think like, I don’t really go to the bathroom--like, I don’t like, wake up that much, once I start sleeping.
JG: Mhmm.
CF: So I feel like it would suck to get up at 3 and go in the hall. So I don’t feel that way. Okay, how can I be a better roommate? And to help you actually answer this question, what are three things you really want me to focus on this year?
JG: (Pause) I wasn’t listening. Speaking of focus…
CF: (Reserved anger)
JG: Wait, be a better roommate, and--
CF: Yeah, how can I be a better roommate?
JG: Uhhh...umm…
CF: You know, it haunts me every day that you say if you have problems with me you wouldn't tell me?
JG: (Laughs)
CF: Every time I talk to you it’s in the back of my head, and I’m like, “Jill’s not telling me--
JG: Meanwhile, though, every time I text you, you’re like, “why do you text so scary?” So I feel like--
CF: I thought we were like, in a breakup during the move sometimes. I was like, “what are you mad about?” And then you’d be like, “hey!”
JG: (Pause) Umm...I don’t think--
CF: No…
JG: I’m gonna start this off and say that this is not something that I think about.
CF: I regret this question.
JG: No no no no no. Let me just say.
CF: No, it’s good, it’s good. Go ahead.
JG: I think, what we both can do is, be better about being clear about chores.
CF: Mhmm.
JG: And...I think I would respond well if you...umm...were more transparent about other possible plans that you have.
CF: Okay.
JG: Because sometimes you’re like “I just wanna come home and watch Love Island,” and I’m like sick, let’s do it. And then I’m waiting for that to happen, and then, you’re like, “I had six other things I had to do.”
CF: Okay, I like that. That’s true. I thought you were gonna say the phone battery thing and I was like, “damn I’m at 2% right now.”
JG: (Laughs)
CF: No, I get that. I am gonna be better about that. What is the most homophobic thing you think you’ve ever said?
JG: Most?
CF: (Pause) Bad start, but yeah.
JG: I don’t know. Actually, I wrote something in my notes today--
CF: Jill’s about to pause this audio.
JG: I wrote something in my notes today, which is something I think I’ve already said in the newsletter, but it says: “Olivia Rodrigo has proven she has the longevity to be a pop star because she knows how to write to the gays (Joshua Bassett).” (Pause) Because he came out as queer.
CF: I don’t know who that is.
JG: The guy that Olivia Rodrigo wrote all those songs about?
CF: The highschooler?
JG: The one that was in the show with her?
CF: ...I didn’t know she was in a show. Olivia Rodrigo? What show?
JG: Olivia Rodrigo was in High School Musical: The Musical: The Series. Which I watched with Greta, by the way.
CF: Oh, my god. I wasn’t a part of that.
JG: (Laughs)
CF: I didn’t know she acted.
JG: Oh, my god. Before that she was on another Disney show.
CF: What?
JG: With Jake Paul, I believe. Maybe the other Paul. But anyway.
CF: This isn’t really catering to me. What’s the most homophobic thing you’ve ever thought about me?
JG: Not you making me quantify my homophobia…
CF: Okay…can you describe our friendship in 3 adjectives?
JG: Umm…uhh…suddenly I don’t know a single word.
CF: This is going downhill so fast.
JG: Umm...uhh....genuine.
CF: Aw.
JG: Is that a good one?
CF: Yeah.
JG: Umm...considerate?
CF: Mhmm.
JG: I don’t know if that’s an adjective that can be used to describe a friendship.
CF: I think so.
JG: And...uhh...what’s a word for, like, works in harmony?
CF: Umm...harmonious.
JG: Harmonious!
CF: That was really good. Do you think that you’re better than me because you have Paramount+?
JG: I don’t have Paramount+, I use Laura’s Paramount+.
CF: Someone you’d rather live with.
JG: (Laughs)
CF: Okay, I also hit up Kate, for a phone-a-friend question. But she didn’t answer me. And it was early. So if Kate is reading this, I’m a little fucked up about that. But I guessed what she would’ve asked you.
JG: Okay.
CF: I thought that she would say “what food”--that doesn’t make sense. What food that you make in New York reminds you most of the dining hall?
JG: Oh, interesting.
CF: Yeah, Kate snapped.
JG: When I think of the dining hall, I think of the chicken patties that used to give me intense heartburn, which you experienced the other night.
CF: I experienced last night, and I was just gonna say, Aunt Ginny’s chicken sandwiches are starting to taste like the DH. And then I came back and had intense heartburn.
JG: Mhmm.
CF: Yeah.
JG: That’s sad to hear. And then I also think of, in my later years at Emerson, I had one of those partial meal plans, so I could just clock out of work, pop into the dining hall for 30 minutes, and then go to class. And I would just get one of those cold, pre-cut pizzas that have been out for four and half hours. So, I’d like to think that none of my food reminds me of that. But the Celeste pizzas come close.
CF: Yeah, but those are good. I added this question when we both said that we had a Chance The Rapper song stuck in our heads. I added: what’s the cutest thing that we do as roommates? I have an answer.
JG: I know you have an answer.
CF: Go ahead.
JG: I think previously it was Annie’s.
CF: Totally, yeah.
JG: But now I can’t think of what yours would be.
CF: Mine’s our singing game.
JG: Oh, yeah! Song association.
CF: That was my last question.
JG: Oh, wow.
We proceed to talk for 10 more minutes.
CF: But do you have any for me?
JG: No, that’s not what this was about.
CF: Why so intense?
JG: I gotta bring myself to the Red Table.
CF: What’s your favorite Will Smith movie?
JG: Hitch. Or--
CF: Never seen it.
JG: Okay, I have a theory about Hitch, and that’s: you only watch Hitch if you know you love Hitch. You never watch it for the first time.
CF: Yeah..yeah…
JG: But, I would amend that and say, it’s either Hitch or Shark Tale.
CF: That I’ve seen. I saw that in theaters.
JG: The music in that hits.
CF: My movie is gonna be I Am Legend, because, when I was in high school, I had a crush on this boy, his name was Taylor, and he was like, “have you ever seen I Am Legend?” And I was like fuck! No, I haven’t! And he was like “don’t worry, I have it on DVD, I’ll bring it to you tomorrow.” And then in math class he brought me the DVD, so that night, I remember specifically, I had so much to do, so much homework, but I sat down, popped that thing in my laptop--took notes. I came back into math class the next day and was like “that scene with the dog…” Nothing happened, with Taylor and I.
JG: I think there’s many reasons for that.
CF: Ohh, we’re going full circle with the most homophobic thing you’ve ever said.
JG: I needed to give them something.
CF: I know, that was clickbait. (Pause) I’m like, “am I an awful interviewer?”
JG: Don’t quit your day job.
CF: I put my two weeks in yesterday. Yeah! Hey man, that’s all I have because I know you’re not gonna tell me how bad of a roommate--even though you kinda answered that question. Remember when I was like, “seriously, answer!”
JG: It wouldn’t be fun if I was just like, no you can ask me anything, and I’m like, I’m not gonna answer that. I have to present some sort of an answer. But genuinely, I...I...I’m satisfied with our living situation. That’s me being as kind as I can be.
CF: No, be as harsh as you can be.
JG: I feel like that was still very cold. But that’s me being kind.
CF: Oh, my god. I don’t think you’re cold.
JG: I wouldn’t say “cold,” but, I keep everyone at a distance. You know what I mean?
CF: Open up. Should we ask them advice for things to get?
JG: Yeah, if anyone wants to come over and check our shower, I don’t know how to store our products.
CF: Who in New York reads--
JG: I have like, 5 or 6.
CF: Oh yeah. Have them come through. Kate.
JG: You’re right there.
CF: I sent Kate a voice memo so I can actually see if she listened. (Pause) Yeah, she listened.
JG + CF: Wooooow.
CF: I’ll FaceTime right now.
JG: She might be nannying.
CF: My phone died. Well, that’s all I have. Thank you for having me. I feel like I’m not included in your newsletter nearly enough. So I’m happy for moments like this where you kinda have to put me in a lot.
JG: I feel like, in the past months, I’ve moved away from making it about the people I live with, because then I have to explain that Hana’s no longer here...stuff like that.
CF: You know when you have a friend on Instagram who screenshots a lot of texts, and then you start trying to make your texts funny?
JG: Mhmm.
CF: I wanna walk in the living room, try doing slapstick comedy--
JG: Wait, on that note--actually, I can’t say that.
CF: That’s so powerful. I’m about to make a newsletter so I can just be like, “oooh, can’t tell you guys that.”
This is where I cut a nice 2 minute chunk for privacy.
CF: Anything you wanna say to me?
JG: No. Okay…I hope that this is a great year.
CF: Aw, me too. I do, too.
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And that’s where I’ll end for now. We managed to move from the busiest street in Brooklyn to the quietest neighborhood in Queens, so remember kids: anything is possible, even when your third roommate decides to move back across the country.
I would like to make a last minute request that if anyone knows of any effective over the door shoe racks please hit me up im-me-di-ate-ly. I have had this shitass one for three apartments now and it never works. I even bought all new hangers for it and I still can’t get the door to close. Until then, I’ll be waiting for your recommendations. Kisses!